Today I got a request from some friends to get recent pics for a photo collage they’re working on.  I complied and ran through my assortment of photos.  Being married though means you get few pictures to yourself.  Even when you’re alone you know your significant other is on the other side of the camera.

Photos bring you back to the moment and memories of times past.  Couples take photos of the happy times and looking at photos is a fast track to deceiving yourself about the state of your past relationship.  It brings back the good times, the memories of the events before and after the photos.  The dinners, parties, laughs and friends.  Everything that went right.

It’s so easy to look at those photos and block out all of the bad times.  The dinner before where you were fighting.  The screaming matches in the car.  The mental tricks you played on each other.

After all was said and done I could only find a bare minimum of photos containing only me.  Even with those, there were great memories attached.

The scenario changes but not really.  It’s usually at a lull in a party or just after.  They manage to corner me in a corner of the room or the car ride home.  Eventually they get to their big question.

• Do you think she will take you back?
• Why doesn’t she understand that you still care for you?
• Did she cheat on you?

These are all big questions, but what they really want to ask is

Why did she break up with you?

What people don’t seem to understand is that we made a mutual decision to break up.  It didn’t stem from a big issue like an affair, abuse or anything along those lines.  Just two people who grew up and came to the realization they were better friends than lovers.

I’m not mad at them.  These are my friends and they’re genuinely concerned for me and I truly appreciate that.  Truly.

I guess they feel this way because of what they don’t see.  They don’t see me talking with my ex and both of us being happy for ourselves and each other.  Knowing that we made the right decision and that we can continue our relationship, just in a different way.  They don’t see our relief.

Looking for a real man

I’m not exactly sure what this means for the people posting, but when I see that line I read

I’ve dated a lot of jerks and have difficulty spotting them up close

Not how I’d be wanting to advertise myself.  I think it would have the effect of attracting the people you are trying to repell.

I’d go for the “serious relationship” line followed by my interests.  The line is a clear statement of goals without implying that you have an inability to spot the people who have different ones.

No affairs, back stabbing or other childish reasons for breaking up.  Simply two people who’d been together since they were incredibly young, grew up and grew apart.  The friendship portion of our relationship didn’t, and still hasn’t, wavered, but the couple aspect shrank until there was nothing left.

The hardest part was making the actual decision to get divorced.  How do you know the decision is right when there isn’t an overt act?   This alone caused us months of self doubt.  But in the end it came down to a much simpler question: Would we still be together if we weren’t actually married?  The answer was a resounding no for both of us.

This came as a shock to most of our friends who saw us a steady, solid couple.  A lot of this confusion is our fault.  Mellisa and I were great at presenting a good front even when times were tough between us.  We could go from a shouting match in the car to smiles and well wishes as soon as we got within ear shot of our friends.

The good side of this is we got out while we could still be friends.  We still talk and advise each other on a regular basis.  It’s only been a short time since I moved out and who knows how long it will last.  But for the moment it does.

Sunday night